How to Know If You Talk Too Much?

When you are talking non-stop, it can be hard to notice that you are being overly enthusiastic. You may not even realize that the other person is only responding out of politeness or hinting that they want to leave.

Talking to others happens in three stages. In the first stage, your goals are clear, targeted, and concise. But then you may unconsciously find that the more you talk, the easier it feels. It’s so wonderful for you, relieving your tension, but it may not be as interesting for the other person. This is the second stage—when you feel good talking, you don’t even notice that the other person is not listening.

In the third stage, you have lost control of what you are saying and start to realize you might need to pull the other person back in. At this point, your monologue is disguised as a conversation, and you subconsciously sense that the other person is a bit annoyed. Can you guess what happens next?

Unfortunately, the typical response at this point is to talk even more to gain the other person's attention, rather than finding ways to get them to speak and listening to regain their interest.

Why does this happen? First, the reason is simple: everyone has a desire to be heard. But secondly, talking about oneself releases dopamine, the pleasure hormone. One reason talkative people keep talking is that they become addicted to this feeling of pleasure.

There is a method that has helped me, and it may help you too. It’s called the traffic light method. It is effective when talking to most people, especially Type A personalities, who often have less patience.

In the first 20 seconds of a conversation, you are at a green light: as long as your comments are relevant to the topic and serve the other person, your audience will appreciate you. Unless you are an exceptionally gifted speaker, talking for more than about half a minute will generally be considered boring and too talkative. So, in the next 20 seconds, the light turns yellow—now the other person starts to lose interest or thinks you are too verbose. By the 40-second mark, you hit a red light. Occasionally, you might feel tempted to run the red light and keep chatting, but most of the time, it’s best to stop, or you’ll be in trouble.

The traffic light method is just the first step to preventing you from talking too much. It’s also important to understand the underlying motivations for why you talk so much. Are you talking more just to feel good? Are you explaining your thoughts? Or is it because you often have to listen to others, and when you find an opportunity to speak, you just unload?

Regardless of the reason, talking too much usually leads to interruptions in the conversation and may result in both of you talking at each other instead of having a dialogue. This does not help advance the conversation or your relationship.

One reason some people talk too much is that they want to show the other person how smart they are, even though deep down, they may not feel that way. If this is the case, you should know that continuing to talk will only diminish the other person's impression of you.

Of course, some people just talk too much because they "may not have a sense of time passing." If this is the case, the solution is not to introspect but to cultivate a sense of how long 20 seconds and 40 seconds are. For example, use a watch to time yourself while on a call. You will gradually develop the habit of stopping when your traffic light is still green or at least yellow.

Finally, remember that if you do not involve the other person in the conversation, even a 20-second monologue can be off-putting. To avoid this, you can ask questions, try to build on what the other person says, and find ways to engage them in the dialogue. This way, you can achieve a real conversation instead of an ineffective one.