How to Build a Good Relationship with a Mentor?

Research shows that individuals with mentors perform better, advance more quickly in their careers, and experience greater satisfaction in both work and life. Mentors also benefit from the relationship, gaining insights while teaching others. Despite the many advantages—76% of professionals believe mentors are important for growth—over 54% of people lack such relationships.

The issue often lies in people not knowing how to find a mentor or build a relationship. The following nine steps can help you.

1. Clarify Your Goals and Specific Needs

Take out a pen and paper and write down your career goals. Ensure these goals are SMART. Then, list the biggest obstacles to achieving these goals. These specific needs will help you determine what kind of mentor you should seek. Perhaps you need to develop new skills, expand your network in a specific field, or build confidence for tough negotiations. Once you understand the person you want to become and the gaps and opportunities to get there, you can identify how a mentor can truly assist you.

2. Write Down the "Job Requirements" for Your Ideal Mentor

Knowing your goals and how to achieve them, think about how a mentor can help you. Describe the type of mentor who can help you seize the greatest opportunities or navigate challenges. Specifically, you may need a mentor to help you complete a project, introduce you to someone at a certain level in a specific industry, or guide you through difficult negotiations. Be sure to include "why" in your job requirements—just as companies want potential candidates to understand their broader direction, explain why mentoring you will yield greater rewards. When you reach out to potential mentors, share your job requirements so they understand why you're seeking mentorship and are more willing to help (as mentioned in points four and five).

3. Look for Mentors Through Your Second-Degree Connections

Mentors can come from anywhere. They might be part of your LinkedIn network, professional circles, or people you meet at conferences. Importantly, while people are undoubtedly busy, being invited to be a mentor is a tremendous compliment. People may decline, but it remains a positive interaction; be bold in trying and making requests, even if you think they might not have time for you. Let them decide whether to accept or decline.

4. Make Your Request (and Keep It Simple)

Asking someone to be your mentor for the first, second, or even third time can feel a bit awkward. You likely have never been invited to be someone else's mentor or taught anyone how to make this request. Embrace that discomfort. There's nothing wrong with asking, but take it slow. Invite others for an initial conversation to learn about their work and interests. Once you both know each other better, and if there's mutual agreement, you can make more requests for them to be your mentor. Conversely, sending a long email asking a stranger to be your mentor is less likely to be accepted.

5. Conduct the First Conversation

Your first conversation with a potential mentor has two goals. First, you want to determine if this person is the right mentor for you. Second, find out if they are open to mentoring you. How you conduct the conversation will depend on you, but generally, you’ll want to do the following:

• Make the other person feel at ease. Choose a convenient location for them, prepare coffee (or tea), and keep the meeting low-pressure.

• Spend time getting to know them. Ideally, let the mentor speak more, keeping your speaking time under 30%.

• It’s okay to ask for small help right from the start. In fact, it may even help build the relationship.

• Make a clear request: "I really enjoyed this conversation. If I make some progress on my goals within a month, could I follow up with you?"

• Express gratitude, then follow up via email to thank them again.

6. Start Simple

For your next meeting, follow up on the previous one and keep it simple. Once they confirm a follow-up meeting, send an email outlining the agenda and hinting at building a long-term relationship. An example could be, "In our next chat, I’d like to quickly review what we discussed last time, and then I want to expand on that topic. I’ll prepare some specific questions that I think you can help me answer."

7. Establish a Structured Accountability Process and Draft a Mentor Agreement

After having one or two simple conversations, try to make a more formal request: would this person be willing to sit down with you once a month for the next six months until you achieve your goals or solve your issues? If they agree, consider drafting a simple one-page document outlining the tasks you aim to complete during these six months. While this may seem a bit excessive, it will clarify the goals for both you and your mentor. It will also help you define clear meeting content for each session. You might suggest, "I really appreciate your time and help, and I want to ensure I make the most of it. I was thinking I could prepare a simple document outlining my goals, my commitments to you, and the milestones I hope to achieve in the next three months. I think this will help keep me accountable and prepared for our conversations. Do you agree?"

8. Keep Following Up and Say Thank You

After each meeting, be sure to send a thank-you note. Additionally, when your mentoring relationship concludes, continue to express your gratitude. I once had a mentee email me two years after we worked together, and it made me very happy. In return, I helped her establish some new and interesting connections, and she did the same for me. So remember, asking for help is okay, but always ensure you express appropriate gratitude!

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