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Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

· 2 min read

Why Practice Nonviolent Communication?​

Improve communication quality by ==valuing everyone's needs==. ==Doubt and violence are manifestations of unmet needs==.

What NVC Is Not​

  • It is not about appearing friendly.
  • It is not about getting others to do what we want; it concerns mutual understanding between people.

Ways to Strengthen Connections and Understanding Between People​

  1. Express our feelings and needs vulnerably
    • Recognize ongoing feelings and needs
    • Expose the vulnerability of feelings and needs
  2. Actively listen to the feelings and needs of others
    • The core of empathetic listening: presence, focus, space, and care, ==along with verbal expression of feelings and needs==
    • Do not give advice, make judgments, comfort, tell stories, sympathize, analyze, or explain, ...
    • Regardless of what is said, the key is to listen to the other person's feelings, needs, opinions, and requests

For example: ==Because you need... so you feel...?==

Engaging in These Behaviors Can Lead to Distance Between Us​

  • Evaluating others, making judgments, labeling, analyzing, criticizing, comparing, etc.
  • Worth considering (i.e., certain behaviors deserve punishment or reward)
    • Demands (not accepting others' choices; wanting to punish those who do not act according to one's own ideas)
    • Refusing to choose or take responsibility (keywords: have to, should have, guess they will, they made me do it, etc.)

Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

· One min read

Why Nonviolent Communication?​

To improve communication quality by ==valuing everyone's needs==. ==Judgments and violence are tragic expressions of unmet needs.==

What NVC is not​

  • NOT about being nice.
  • NOT about making them to do what we want. It's about mutual understanding.

Ways to enhance connection & understanding:​

  1. vulnerably express our feelings & needs
    • consciousness of the ongoing feelings & needs
    • vulnerability of exposing feelings & needs
  2. emphatically listen to the feelings & needs of the other.
    • Qualities of empathic listening: presence, focus, space, caring, ==verbal reflection of feelings & needs==
    • NOT advising, fixing, consoling, story-telling, sympathizing, analyzing, explaining, …
    • No matter what is said, hear only feelings, needs, observations & requests

e.g. ==Are you feeling … because you need …?==

Ways to alienate us from one another​

  • Diagnoses, judgments, labels, analysis, criticism, comparisons, etc.
  • Deserve thinking (i.e. that certain behaviors merit punishment or rewards)
    • Demands (denial of other person’s choice; intention to punish those who don’t do it)
    • Denial of choice or responsibility (had to, should, supposed to, they made me do it, etc.)

About Tian Pan

Solutions architect and tech entrepreneur specializing in enterprise SaaS and Web3 platforms. Led development of high-throughput distributed systems handling millions of transactions. Full-stack expertise with a track record of architecting cloud-native solutions that scale seamlessly from startup to enterprise scale.

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